I tripped over you in the hallways
and I'd curse and shoo you away...
I'll miss those days.

Your cold nose against my skin
as I'm still drifting in dreamland
it wakes me up and I'd curse and shoo you away..
I'll miss those days.

Gunshots, thunder or load crashes ring out
and you in terror cower and shake at my feet
I pat your head and tell you everything will be okay,
and you'd believe me...
I'll miss those days.

Door bell ringing or guests knocking
your hackles would raise and start to sound alarm
I'd grab you by the scruff and pull you back
and you would struggle and cry in protest,
you were just trying to protect me...
I'll miss those days.

From laying down you'd jump and sprint
to the door you'd look and see
horses trotting down the street
and you wanted to play, or eat, I never knew
with them but I held you back
because then I was trying to protect you...
I'll miss those days.

And then the time day comes
when I'm no longer around
and you needed me more than ever..
We had been denying it for so long,
putting it off, waiting for a sign,
waiting for a check..
and I get the call..
"She's not breathing well.."
And I knew what that meant,
I knew what was next..
and all I could do is cry.
I wasn't there and I couldn't be there.
I couldn't see you off. I couldn't hold your paw
and tell you it would be okay.
I couldn't tell you how much I loved you,
or how much you meant to me,
or how much you'd be missed..
I wasn't there.
And everyday it kills me a little more
because when I was home a few days before..
I knew. I knew I should have said goodbye
and I regret it, like no other thing I've regretted before.
I'm sorry I wasn't there;
like you've been there for me so many times before..
I'll miss those days.

the shadows of the fading dream of what was my life
spiraling down
down

what matters not?
anything
everything

need for:
nothing

want
nothing

I love you all
I'm sorry

why do i do it? why do i go to a place
of stone carved memories
what am i hoping to find.
leave home feeling just fine.
the closer i get, i begin to fidget.
here i go again becoming miserable.
tears well up and all i can do is look down.
my mama, my daddy, my grandmother, my grandaddy, my cousin, my aunt, my uncle........
names carved out in stone so cold.
just a mere mold of a name, nothing more.
someone once told me, "you don't do it for them"
you do it so as not to feel guilty.
is that true? i don't think so, but something
motivates me........then one more stop at another place
with stone carved names and memories.
the word Viet Nam gets me every time for
he was sailor boy when we married and viet nam
was on the horizon every day and worry was always at play.
now i feel only misery and sadness.
why do i do it?????????

There is one thing I could never understand
Why any man would hit a woman
What reason could they possibly have
To even journey down that path
This is one thing I could never see
Even though I've had it happen to me
I ha dsomeone bust my lip
And even leave me with a tooth that is chipped
I've been slapped, I've been choked, I've had a black eye
I've been rushed to the hospital about to die
I've gone into labor due to a fight
I've nurtured many wounds throughout the night
But yet I still cannot figure out
What domestic violence is about
There is nothing that a woman could do or say
To merit getting treated that way
And no matter what I'll never understand
Why a woman would be hit by a man

Confusion and pain fills the air,
slowly suffocating me.
My heart is at war with my mind.
My mind cannot trust,
my heart is ready to love.
I cannot take anymore pain,
for I fear my heart may not make it this time.
A direct question with a foggy answer
does not satisfy my thoughts.
So do you care about me?
Or the outer shell containing me?

I build up a wall to protect myself from you.
But it comes crumbling down every time you grace me with you smile.
I cannot let you go!
I cannot explain why.
My hope is microscopic, but I’m hanging on to it, praying that it’s enough.
But nothing seems to be enough anymore.
Every word you express to me I hold on to it like my life would depend on it.
My hope starts to build up little by little but crashes my wall every time you look at her.
It’s stomach aching, head hurting, heart bleeding, eye moistening.
You walk by me,
not comprehending how much I yearn to reach out and embrace you.
You see a strong and confident girl,
but my looks are very deceiving.

I miss you
your arms around me
smelling like leather
and cigarette smoke
I miss you
your genuine laugh
the way you made me smile
even at the worst of times
I miss you
your cologne burning my nose
making my heart hammer
and my hands tremble
I miss you
You always said you'd be there
that you'd save me somehow
I feel bitter now
that you were so wrong
There is no one to save me
Each day i slay my own demons
I hold my own world up
I walk the road by myself
I brave against the cold
There is no knight
No shining armour
No white horse
No beautiful sunset
Nothing
And you are gone
I miss you

I am where the lines begin to blur
the contradiction that makes perfect sense
yet none at all.
Walk in my shoes and you'd trip and fall
there is nothing you can do like me
for I am too unique.
Sure I can lose myself in the crowd
and hide away in all that's near
but never is there a moment that goes by
that I am not who I truly am.
Behind the many masks I make
is one person, the one person that's not a fake.
And while she tends to wear her masks,
underneath she never forgets who she is;
never does she get lost in character,
fooling herself into believing that these people....
these people around her truly understand her.
No, she knows that this would never be true
because she is the wrong age, the wrong color, the wrong gender,
the wrong class, the wrong nationality, the wrong academic level,
hell, they could make up any excuse as to why it is that she
"Just doesn't get it".
I understand perfectly.
There are secrets to life, you learn as you go along,
yet sometimes you disregard them to find something else, something better...
but half the time that's the best you'll ever get.
There are things that you don't want people to know,
we all have our faults, our dirty little vices,
no one's perfect,
yet they try to act it, try to fool you.
They think you are stupid enough to accept their fronts.
Take off your rose colored glasses and see the world around you;
it is imperfect, faulty, flawed.
Decaying and falling apart where we stand,
but this is home, this is "paradise".
Where else would we want to be,
there is no heaven, no hell...
maybe limbo, while you wait to be returned to this world;
where you are left alone to your thoughts before they are swept away
desolate and foreboding, you can only feel the inevitable wiping of your slate.
The terror of even the thought of being place alone,
just waiting for your demise,
the anxiety, the stress,
you would simply implode
perhaps, that is exactly what happens.
And with the release of your soul,
that is how you are returned.
Another life of suffering, learning, hurting, healing, falling, and rising.
Another chance to become what who you are as a unique.
But really, if you have done this so many times,
you are no longer unique,
and are living the same life;
back to being just a complex contradiction.

Sitting there watching, feeling nothing
When suddenly a flood of emotion
Came crashing up against the backs of my stained-glass eyes

Do you know how many good decisions I’ve made in life
For fear that Grandpa might one day find out
That I’d turned into a bad kid?

I could handle Mom knowing…
But not Grandpa
That was a righteous fear.