*Misc : Smoke
I sit here... watching myself die
“ohh... this won’t hurt” I tell myself
Ouch
The smoke surrounds my head, surrounding me in a haze of uncertanties
I no longer know the bounds of reality
I say to myself, “nothing could hurt worse than the way I feel”
But I’ve felt worse
I lose myself, hours at a time. Forgetting the things that matter
This isn’t me, it is merely what I look like
I am trapped beneath it all.
I have lost for another four hours.
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| Poster | Thread |
|---|---|
| The End | Posted: 2010/5/17 8:58 Updated: 2010/5/17 8:58 |
Why go anywhere else?   Joined: 2007/8/9 From: Behind your eyes Posts: 482 |
 Re: SmokeI liked the last line the best. I think that the last line of a poem can really make or break a poem, and you nailed it =]
|
| GoliathAssassin | Posted: 2010/5/15 20:35 Updated: 2010/5/15 20:35 |
Poetry is my existance   Joined: 2006/3/30 From: Detroit, Michigan. Left behind... Hickory and 8 mile for the suburban grind... Posts: 2200 |
Re: Smoke If you were to want to quit smoking, I would give you supportive comments and boxes of donuts
[888] That one's on the house. I bet you can't eat just one, though. (Noms two whole boxes) But I will also give you supportive comments on this poem. It was written well. Thank you for sharing. |
| blissfulmami | Posted: 2010/3/9 21:49 Updated: 2010/3/9 21:49 |
Why go anywhere else?  Joined: 2007/8/25 From: USA north east Posts: 374 |
Re: Smoke Wow. The saddest part of this is how many people experience this exact feeling. You have given an excellent view into that desperation.
~Blissful |
| BlackOrchid | Posted: 2010/3/9 13:22 Updated: 2010/3/9 13:22 |
Poetry is my existance  Joined: 2004/8/30 From: Tennessee Posts: 2050 |
Re: Smoke ogreat pen
my, but i can identify with this great musings...like being lost within oneself. sometimes i look in the mirror to make sure i;m me really it is like a divided self. i loved this |
| dancingbear9296 | Posted: 2010/3/9 8:53 Updated: 2010/3/9 8:53 |
  Joined: 2007/11/1 From: becoming a student of life Posts: 837 |
Re: Smoke Welcome to Trupoets!
The first line is saddening and sets the tone for the rest of the piece. Fourth line I would have liked if you could have not used surround more than once. I know the ending is different on each one but you could have used envelop, or engulf. Otherwise a very emotional poem. |